These are my keys. Say hello. And because I have nothing to write about, I will now introduce you.

1. Unmarked car key, unlocks/starts the trusty 1996 Intrepid. This car is not technically mine (actually not at all), but my sister and I are the only ones left in the States just now and she drives the truck. It’s a good car. It just won’t start when it’s below zero. Also the woofer in the front passenger door rattles.
2. This is a keychain from a prom at my high school, probably my sophomore year. I didn’t actually go; they were passing these out as extras from the event. … I still can’t believe there were extras; this is probably the best boxcutter I’ve ever used.
3. Imprinted with the digits 479. I don’t know what that means. Had to stare at this one for a minute before figuring it out; this key opens my filing cabinet.
4. Black hemp bracelet with a pewter decorative piece. (The design reminds me of something that might be used as a tattoo, and I looked up the appropriate Wikipedia article for a reference. Know this: “Conspicuous tattoos and other body modification can make gainful employment difficult in many fields”.) Abbey (sister) ordered this online for me. :)
5. Another prom keychain, though I did manage to attend the thing this time. (Free tickets; unrelated story involving super secret undercover agents.) You can’t see it from this angle, but there is a quarter lodged in the frame. (It’s a frame.) This is not the original quarter, I’m afraid; quarters have been slipping in and out of the frame of their own accord for some time now. I’ve learned to accept this.
6. Brass-ish keychain with “Canada” on the back. The front has a moose, and also “Canada” again. It’s from Canada. My family went there, which was something of a surprise at the time. They brought this back to remind me where they had gone.
7. K649, Salsbury Ind Mailboxes, Los Angeles, Cali. This opens my school mailbox.
8. Medeco, ADD23, 4, 30. Made in the USA (woot). Opens my dorm door.
9. The… something like the fourth flash drive. The others have gone, in like fashion as the hermit crabs. (Rest in peace, Father John.) 512mb, has a portable software suite thing on it. I think. Haven’t actually used this in months.
10. MK552, Steel Case, Grand Rapids Michigan. Has kind of a block of adhesive residue on one side, like there used to be a label or something. I have no idea what this opens or why I have it. But “Steel Case” sounds like it could house something valuable, right?
11. Hiding behind Prom Keychain #2. This… frick. Where is this from. Oh, right – this is from the old office I worked at. I think I was gone the day keys were collected. Oh well.
12. That is a key, yeah; has a black plastic sheath on the top. Opens the luggage locks. Master. Apparently they’re tough under fire.
13. 103, Helix. Has a six manually etched into each side. Opens cash box #6 at the cafe, for you would-be thieves. The safe combination is 872971¹; press the pound button after entering the code.
14. This is my first attempt at chain mail, and is, ultimately, a failure. I keep it to remind me that manual/artisan labor is perhaps not a viable career choice.
15. This key is possibly hidden behind #6, and is therefore not itself numbered. It is very small. I’ll call it the key to my heart, because I don’t have one of those and I don’t know what it is actually for.
16. Not a key; the little ring to the right of the boxcutter. This once held a pocketwatch in place. That particular pocketwatch has since either been shattered or passed on to Aaron; I forget which, but I’m pretty sure Aaron has it either way, along with my ex-motherboard. I now have a pocketwatch with “Remington – America’s Oldest Gunmaker” on the back of it, through no fault of my own.
17. Spork. Titanium. Japan. “Titanium Japan”. No no, it’s okay, you didn’t know. It’s not too late.

¹ This is a lie.