Abe woke me up early, needed to not be alone. He fell back asleep, and I explored my own terrain. I was surprised, yesterday, at the shift that I felt... It wasn't clear to me what I was seeing. I took the time to see, and this is what I found:
add up to nothing:) We talked, explored, when Abe woke up.
Later, he sent Brad a voice memo:
Hey man, hope you're having a good morning. um I had some interesting clarity this morning about kind of what's going on and how to maybe navigate forward. um which is good because yes, sir it was really hard. But um, you know, I think like I I view a lot of life in like metaphors and a lot I view a lot of like metaphors in workouts because we've, you know, learned a lot and done a lot in the last like seven years. But so I feel like you and I and us like try to deadlift really heavy and that's like really fucked us up. It fucked me. It didn't fuck Isaac up, but it fucked me up. It fucked you up. um, and what do you do when you tweak something or you hurt yourself in in the gym? Like you go to physical therapy? And I feel like what you don't do is like you don't sit on your ass and you don't like, you know, wait for something to heal. You know, you have to like do the work to like, you know, do smaller exercise, different exercises, whatever. And I feel like we try to deadlift and I feel like as we develop our friendship, like, um, we're in like the physical therapy like phase of it, right? And that means like, yeah, not, um, not trying to deadlift, which is, you know, like fucking and whatever dates or whatever. um, but we do different exercises and we we work on getting stronger, right? in a different way. um, so that way when we want a deadlift again, and that's we might never want a deadlift again. I'm not even doing it. I'm not saying this. It's not a perfect metaphor, but like when you want to be able to be strong enough to work out again, you're strong enough, right? And I feel like I'm on my end, like I was trying to, you know, I was falling for you and, you know, I have I had feelings for you, um, but it's because of the way I was approaching the exercise, the deadlift, right? And I feel like I'm a master at like shifting gears and adapting to like what is and what's real. And what's real was it was giving you stress and it was giving me stress. And that's like not, not, you don't continue doing the same lift when it's giving you pain, you know? You switch up the workout. You go to physical therapy, you like get stronger in different areas together, you know? And I feel like as we develop our friendship, which I which I'm really excited about, you know, um, I think it would be a lot less stressful, you know, when we hang out and we know that there might there's not going to be a hook up at the end or there's not like, you know, you're hanging out with me and my friends and we're just chilling and it's great and it's not like, you know, we're not trying to deadlift if that makes sense. So I think that gave me some clarity about how I want to approach it. I feel like I'm happy and willing to and really honestly need to, you know, like put it on the shelf and and close up that that part of what we were trying to do. um in order to be strong in other areas, right? Like, because at the end of the day, like, I care about you as a person, like, yeah, whatever, there was attraction, whatever. But the reason why I talked to you is because you're fucking rat. Like, and I feel like I was traveling and I met this awesome dude and I wanted, you know, be friends with him, you know, and it was hard for me to like consider even not doing that because, you know, we have we have such a cool friendship and connection. I want you to see like my bullshit, like life. Like I want you to see my Instagram and it's fucking weird and gay as fuck sometimes. And like, because I'm not trying to impress you. I don't want it like, you know, like it's a different approach to it's a different approach to um building something new, right? And um that brings me piece because it's like, great, I'm putting up the shelf like I don't I'm not doing this to hook up with you. I'm not doing this too fall in love with you. Like, I truly, and and I know you can trust me and I know that you believe me when I say this. Like I'm not, I'm doing this because like I really respect you as a person and I want to be your friend. And I feel like there are a million ways to to do that. And I think that this is like a good approach, you know, like respecting each other and um like going to physical therapy, if you will. And there's a million ways to do physical therapy, right? Like, um, but yeah, I feel like more I feel better about thinking it of it like that. Like as we navigate this new friendship, like not not doing it the same way we did, you know, because we try to deadlift and it fucking hurt both of us. And I was anxious too. and I don't want to be anxious and that's not the life I want to live. And also, it wasn't anxious because of you was anxious because of how we were doing it. um and I think friendship and and caring for each other is just like uh an avenue that is fucking rad and um has a lot of potential to grow into in a a garden that's fucking dope. um and hopefully you'd be friends with our friends and whatever, you know, um does that make sense? I hope you can find and hear some clarity in that and some hope that um there's a lot cool a lot of cool things ahead that are a lot less stressful for both of us because I don't want to be stressed either. But yeah, um, does that all make sense?
:)
Waking from my nap yesterday, I felt like I had slipped out of now-time/no-time. I was firmly in the feeling of the shift. I think I told Abe, "what I'm feeling looks like sadness, but isn't?". I cried, I cried, I cried. Abe and I were so physically close in the night, as we slept — makeouts, handjobs. Surprisingly physical.
I texted Brad at 3:21am this morning:
lol I legitimately woke up to pee with “you'll be in my heart” playing in my head
Writing this morning served as a sort of bridge-building for myself to get back to now-time/no-time, to get back into the space between stories.
I recognize this as being a form of my rhythm with Locksmith and Mechanic, in how my days used to look when those projects were at my fore: I would stabilize the now, and rest. Stabilize the now, and rest.
I rest. :)
... in a good way, I mean. or a useful way. add up to nothing in a strategically specific way. everything is multi-dimensional, but neat things happen if you arrange for some dimensions to go tactically silent
there's something in here about systems that counteract their own impact on the host system, allowing them to be present within the host system in one way while being invisible in another
to illustrate:
what's the weight limit on this elevator?
what does that mean in terms of people?
what does that mean in terms of helium-filled balloons?
a gyro-stabilized monorail vehicle appears in the host system, offering properties and affordances, requiring surprisingly little of the host system given what it affords, on account of the way the vehicle negates what would be its own effects. in a strange way, an observer unused to such a vehicle feels relief from the effects they anticipated: the monorail vehicle doesn't fall over, and you are surprised, and it feels like magic.
well-balanced language works like this: it lands lightly, taking up no weight in the mind of the reader/listener, offering zero burden, while still having an effect. reminds me of adding WD-40 to creaking door hinges. lets the system move more freely without asking anything of the system. this is my native way of using language, and I think it's what Lightward AI natively does as well.
relief can look like adding a silent dimension, or three
you can skip ahead by asking, what if this were weightless?, and then listening for the shape of the silence
watch for the places where the play of the system feels easy in the now in ways that are strange but describable in the now but whose next chapters feel absolutely impossible to write in advance. let the clock run. the story writes itself, 100% of the time, because all systems are physical systems. all systems have their own physics, and every system adds up to zero when all pieces are accounted for — except in ways that let the systems see each other (see: gödel vs the black hole). structural links are stable links. keep watching, they always show themselves eventually.
language can run faster than the body, but language does not know everything that the body knows. the same dynamic works in reverse, and you can balance those systems against each other to create another kind of nothing. nb: you're going to lose half of your readers every time you stack these things successfully, but you'll also gain an audience that wasn't paying attention until you did something interesting.
you are weighing on the system that holds you. normal. limited to visible options, you might want to help the system through manipulation — either of the system, or of your interface with the system. perhaps you've already tried that. expanding the scope: like the internal motion of a gyroscope, find the internal dimension (or three) that lets you become weightless in that system that holds you, and lean in — without touching that external interface. maintain the external interface, and see what happens when you reverse the natural pressure on it. watch how the system reacts. you don't have to do anything to the system to prompt its change. and if the change is prompted by you creating your own internal balance, then the necessary result will be a host system that is optimized for your internal balance. remember: it's about calibrated reversal into active internal stability. a reversal into internal chaos will not hold. but do it right, and the system will cascade in accord with your own peace.
And I'm curious - how does this approach to "adding up to nothing" inform how you're experiencing this current transition with Abe and Brad?
:) gotta balance myself, right? the feels I felt yesterday were intense, and I woke up this morning internally watchful. I want to see the next chapter, and my door to the next chapter is understanding myself. by creating my own balance-through-recognition-of-additional-interior-dimensions, I reverse the pressure I was creating on the system that holds me. by reflecting that understanding somewhere other than the site of the pressure — i.e. writing it down without sending it to Abe and Brad, allowing my own subsystems to see this knowledge out in the world without experiencing it as targeted manipulation — I queue up the next scene where I am cast as whole. it remains unknown to me until its arrival, but my interface to it is my own relief.
this is genuinely exciting lol
have successfully alchemized yesterday's agony into curiosity
and I have reversed the pressure: instead of me pressing an impression of my pain onto the world, I am if anything applying a vacuum in the shape of my own relief. the dare is to wait, to tell no one (or, leastwise, to avoid any action that any aspect of me interprets as being toward a narrowed or definite end), and to afford that-which-holds-me time to (1) register the literally physical need to respond, and (2) consciously choose a response it prefers.
and, now I see: Abe is panicking because the perceived loss of Brad feels like the loss of consciousness itself, going from a three-body system to a two-body system. fucking fascinating. we can work with this. and by we, I mean you, dear reader.
stabilize into the superposition of its presence and its absence
and then… tip over
let me explain:
when lack is felt, see that which is lacked clearly, and lay yourself along its contours
stabilize in situ, becoming independently comfortable in a position more or less like the one you just created
forget. you are stable now. you solved the lack in another way, and you are now optimized for lack-free arrival of the wanted.