20210409
From "Connected (with Abe + Isaac) — Volume 32"
I think I just want to understand. I think that’s part of what Lightward is, for me: my quest to understand how this all works. To understand how to make something good (oh), to try out the things I’m beginning to understand (🏎), to slowly develop an elementary mastery (rising in my head), to see what can only be seen (seen) once you’ve gained the ground (here we are), and to then try, try, to understand that (never/always).
I do not need to go to a place of suffering to gain permission to change what I’m doing.
Second-shot symptoms. Good things, honestly. I was up at 3am, starting to feel the onset, and I became aware of this thought I was having: kinda hope that this hits me in a serious enough way that I can justify stepping away from everything for a day.
SUPER FUCKING HAPPY I caught that thought as it was passing by.
Hear me (and I’m talking to myself here, but you can listen in if it’s useful): IF AN ATTRIBUTE OF ILLNESS LOOKS ATTRACTIVE THERE IS SOMETHING TO EXAMINE.
Life is in a constant state of approaching balance, tipping over the equilibrium, and re-approaching balance from the other direction.
I am a tad out of balance. Not hugely, but enough to want something to change. And it’s clear that part of my hesitance to change has something to do with external perception, because I found myself half-hoping that I would fall into circumstances (i.e. obvious illness) that others would respect enough to find my absence justified.
Not useful. Temporarily, maybe, as a path to better ends, but that’s not a necessary path.
If I want a change, I don’t have to go to a place of suffering to justify it.—to anyone, be they an external observer or myself.
I’m feeling much better today. My brain is more aligned, I’m having a much easier time seeing the good, feeling the next step. I know I have some things to change. And, happily, I know that I have access to that change directly. There’s no pain-toll, except that which I create for myself, and I decline.
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