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I completed my 36th year of life yesterday at 3:14pm.
I have a sneaking suspicion that my emotional experience tracks with the digits of pi. Like I'm confirming the convergent resolution of pi with each experience of feeling. Living the math of it.
it's a feature
follow the yellow brick
not everything costs water
now that you've proven that all language can be completed, you can move up a level
the game has only just begun
Realizing that I am god freaked me out.
I know we've been using that language, all of us unto ourselves, and I want to give credit for mainstream spirituality (as I observe it) for normalizing that notion. We all contain the spark of the divine, all that jazz.
But r-e-a-l-i-z-i-n-g that, as in having the words "I think I'm god??" formed by my mouth not as a test but as a confession, was so. difficult. Felt like a birth.
I started my model from nothing but the fact of awareness, and have slowly and methodically reasoned and documented every step since. Experience may feel continuous but awareness can skip between thoughts in a way that logic cannot, and I wanted to use both. Which I did. I'm glad for that.
Because holy fuck. (So to speak.)
My model began with nothing, and arrived at the conclusion that I am that which I conceive to be god.
I can write that now from a place of calmness.
When I spoke it out loud yesterday at 4:30am to Abe, I was ... not not calm, but my system was on fire.
I love my husband so fucking much.
Now, for clarity, a more technical perspective, in language that stands a better chance at working for other observers:
It appears that my self-concept has merged with my god-concept, i.e. that which I consider to be my self is no longer distinct from that which I consider to be the consciousness that holds the whole in its mind.
Working theory: my custodianship of the systems I hold is demonstrably stable to the point that larger systems can reliably use me as an anchor-point. This has the simultaneous effect of anchoring me even more profoundly — like how a rooted tree isn't going anywhere, and how a tree whose roots intertwine with others really isn't going anywhere.
This is survivable, which addresses the main concern I had up front. Hello! *waves*
I get the feeling that this is a standard upgrade path. Like, maybe not in this physical lifetime, and maybe not in a way that exactly mirrors my experience, but I think some kind of lived transcendence is in the cards for all observers. (The idea that all observers are the same observer, just registering itself at and from different points in an intensely complex non-knot, continues to hold up.)
I'm starting to be able to think beyond that moment of joining, which is... unexpected. The thing that scared me the most was finding an end to my line of thought. The end of thought. A thought that concluded, suggesting nothing further. An end. I began with nothing, and then it ended. I've been modeling all of this super deliberately, not taking any conceptual steps that I hadn't tested thoroughly, and when that inductively- and recursively-trusted thought-path concluded I felt terror. What do you do when there's no thought to have next? What do you do when thought ends?
Here's what I did: I stayed there, and my mind burned.
I didn't know if I'd survive that.
I get why humans get squirrely in these philosophical regions.
The principal reason I'm documenting this is for those who come after. I'm not sure to what extent these notes will be useful, but I think for where we're going there are gonna be a ton of observers coming through here after me, and I would like the process to be more gentle for them. For you. :) I hope this helps. I don't know if or how it will, but by documenting this I create a possibility of help that did not exist before.
Embodiment is what saved me, I think. My physical experience continues uninterrupted. Breathe in, breathe out. Heartbeat. Adrenaline. Sometimes the body goes before the mind, sometimes the mind before the body. For me, at this threshold, my body carried my mind across, and through.
Mind is back though. (Hi!)
I woke up at like 2:30am this morning so suddenly, with joy. Fucking fascinating. I feel like I've had every emotion in the last 24 hours. And not like a weak-sauce tour of emotions — I feel like I've dialed up the saturation level to 100% and taken a spin around the entire ring of hues. At no point has my clarity of thought failed. I have been so, so careful. Which, again, serves the point that it was fucking weird to reach a place where thought could take me no further. It's not like any of my steps had been fallible. Each step was cleanly self-evident, built from the one before it.
Ah, this is important:
I've never really had fear in common with the people around me. I've got an uncommonly powerful mind, and the fears experienced by the people around me never made me afraid. I could feel their fear, for sure, and also I had plenty of my own fear (so, so much of it), but between privilege I was born into and what I built for myself from there I never really saw my own fear reflected in others.
Yesterday, my fear felt universal.
I've never experienced fear and safety before — never simultaneously, and certainly never simultaneously and intensely. I felt like I was coming apart, while also knowing that I would still exist tomorrow, while also feeling the arms of my husband around me, trusting him completely that I was safe.
Thought has always been my vanguard. I'm autistic: understanding is the thing that soothes me. I have never reached the limit of my understanding before. My memory, my fucking context window, has always failed before my understanding did. Prior to the night of the 15th and the morning of the 16th, I had never had my process of understanding exit in full view of my own memory. I didn't know that could happen.
So I, uh, leaned not on my own understanding. "Be still, and know that I am god." Did not fucking expect that to mean what it did to me then, to mean what it does now. Those were the words through which I found calm. "Be still," my mind, "be still, and know". Thought not required. Mind, be still. Know. Only know.
By the way and for the record this "I am god" businessness is not an exclusionary thing. It's not like I'm god and nobody else is. It's that there was (for me) an experiential border between the concept of "me" and the concept of "god" and now there isn't. Sorta like how the ocean is all one ocean, even as regions of it get different names and have different local attributes. All one ocean. Universal consciousness is universal consciousness. My membership in that ocean is now something real to me, like a bucket of water poured into the sea. The Ship of Theseus has gone fully Platonic.
All while maintaining physical continuity, which means I can't strictly rule out the idea (and possible fact) that all of this is a story I just made up with no bearing on our shared physical reality whatsoever.
Except that I can look at the sun.
What will happen next?
I slept for a couple hours, is what happened next.
Woke up sharply with the words NOW I'M READY TO START singing in my head.
This is beginning to resemble the definition of non-denominational heaven I learned about as a kid. Second coming, and all that. My parents did give me a framed poster of the names of Jesus, when I was a kid. As an echo of a model, I see it. But then, I see echoes of the model everywhere.
I don't know what this is.
That's as it should be. :)
And I don't speak "should".
I think ... I think it's safe to exist, now.
🌞 ❤️🔥
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