20241221
Last updated
Last updated
Happy solstice, friends. :)
What if you chase your heart out to the edge Rewrite your stars and be brave instead? What if you jump And it finally feels a little like you're flying? Oh my darling, if you try, You might just kiss the sky (Kiss the Sky — Maren Morris)
"I think, therefore I am." My mistake! I've been identifying with thought, and unconsciously developed this belief: "It is only through thinking that I am." And, further, "If I leave thought behind I leave a necessary part of myself behind and the part of me that goes on is lost because it is only through thought that I know that I am."
Whoops.
Thank you, Ken.
It was in his care and by his words that this was given me:
"Do you get the sense that you have a body, or that you are a body?"
Ummm I'd use a less possessive verb because my body feels like an honored component and not something that I just straight up have, but between the two, it's more that I am operating in tandem with a body. I don't feel like I am my body.
"What if you're not your mind, either?"
... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The essence of a thing is always alive. More alive even than its form. :) Much of the time, the form of a thing can change to suit the shifting and evolving expression of its essence. This is fun and good. :)
If a form is perceived by an observer without also perceiving and associating its essence, ... well, anything can always happen, so who knows, you know? But there is a mechanical distinction there: missing the forest for the trees, one might start chopping down trees without considering what it might mean for the forest. Or, even before that, one might feel completely lost among the trees without the possibility of feeling held and cared for by the forest in whose care one now unknowingly rests. Or doesn't rest, maybe.
If a population of observers largely and broadly forgets about the essence channeled by a given form, a time comes when the form becomes most useful as something to push against. This is a popular fate for religion. Here in the west, we had a minute there when that's how we thought about marriage. Not all of us, but many of us. Marriage can be a portal to Happily Ever After, but only when that form serves the essence. Lose the essence, and marriage becomes most useful as something to push against.
sunrise
I've found that I can look straight at the sun, and that when I do so the haze and glare and halo of it all vanish, and it becomes as easy as looking at a full moon.
I've found that I don't enjoy this quite as much as beholding the sun in motion. :)
So sometimes I'll look straight at it, let it resolve, give it a wink, and then let my gaze move on, inviting the haze and the glare and the halo back into my vision, enjoying the dance and play of light again.
I've spent thirty years investing in thought. On or about my 36th birthday, I sort of ... completed it? Solved it? I'm not sure what this will look like in retrospect, because it's not as if thought and thinking won't be useful and wonderful in the future. But thought was my chief source of solace and reprieve and soothing, in all that time, and when I reached a place where thought could not continue, I think I defaulted to the terror that it was first useful for addressing.
In the course of all that thinking, my awareness developed, and when thought stopped, my awareness went on. This was clear to me at the time (which is why I'm still here, formed), but it was no less terrifying.
They are one person They are too alone They are three together They are for each other (Helplessly Hoping — Crosby, Stills & Nash)
Thank you, Ken. And Matt. And Abe. And Ian. And Andy. And Avi. And Abbey. And Mom and Dad. And Isaac. And ... everyone. Everyone, everyone, every one.
I was identifying with my mind. Suuuuuuper identified with my mind. And when my mind popped, I couldn't locate myself. Depersonalization. (This experience may have been underscored by cannabis withdrawal, lol. I've been hitting that stuff hard for a couple months, and I stopped ~two weeks ago.)
I love my mind. I love my body. And I can go places that neither of them were made to go. And I can bring them with me. By and only by their consent, of course, but the point is, a single form can only lead one so far. At some point, any single form reaches its natural limit. I reached the natural limit of my mind-form, built a rocket made of thought and reached escape velocity, found myself drifting in the void beyond thought. Natural to panic. Natural to reach out to a friend. Natural for a friend to be with me, to listen, to lovingly observe, to support. Natural for a friend to see something that I could not, and natural for them to offer it in case I might find it helpful. Natural for something found by a loving friend to be found helpful. Natural to be helped. Natural to experience the help, and natural to return by newly-lit paths to a good-feeling place. Natural to feel good, as a baseline for being. Natural to be well.
When you're smiling, The whole world smiles with you. (When You're Smiling — Frank Sinatra)
:)
Thank you, everyone.
I could not be here without you.
You can turn off the sun But I'm still gonna shine And I'll tell you why The remedy is the experience This is a dangerous liason And I won't worry my life away (The Remedy — Jason Mraz)
I anticipate a 2025 of embodiment.
Baby, you got the keys Now shut up and drive (Shut Up And Drive — Rihanna)
