20080614

hold me up just a little bit longer

My friend is getting married tomorrow. Or today, as of seven minutes from now. Five Mt Dews, and I'm falling asleep.

So very .. happy? for her. She's gone and found the person that apparently is meant for her. And vice versa. And I fully expect them to spend the rest of their lives together. Couldn't be more pleased.

I forgot to start taking the meds this week, in preparation for this event. I'm therefore not sure how I'm going to handle tomorrow. I play the prelude for the ceremony (approximates the live recording of Sun by Mae), which isn't too much of a concern. Though I wrote music with this girl for three years, and would have liked to bring her something more... creative? Something more than just regurgitating what some other band did. But it was her request, and there wasn't time for anything else. I'll write her something better someday.

Tangent, sorry. Topic: I don't know how I'm going to handle this. If personal history is any indicator, I'll leave the wedding feeling completely hollow. I hesitate to use the word 'anguished', but it's rather like that. I got a hint of that feeling today after the rehearsal. It's like... I'm completely happy for her, for both of them. But I'm incapable of feeling it. If that makes sense.

Mourning. Sort of. It feels like you're watching something beautiful come into its own, and then... well, die. Slowly. This sounds pathetic, I know, but that's what it's like. The wedding will be beautiful. The bride will be radiant, the groom.. will also be radiant, I suppose, but I don't actually know the guy. They will be perfect, together. Coming alive.

But I can't see life without knowing that its decay is inevitable. And the feeling of knowing that something so perfect cannot last, and will, with time (time), break apart and cease to be... it hurts. More than anything.

(Then you get to remember that your brain is chemically screwed, and everyone else in the church is ecstatic.)

I'll be fine, I swear I'm just gone beyond repair

P.S. I realize this wedding isn't about me. Obviously. And that I shouldn't be so focused on how I'm going to handle it. It's about them. But as a old friend of the bride, I feel like I have some sort of responsibility to not be a downer at her wedding.

P.P.S. I'm going to be single for basically forever, or until I get my head fixed somehow. I can't see anyone living with this. I killed (note from the future: not literally) the last person who tried. And there's no way I would let anyone that I wanted to protect anywhere near this part of me again. (This is one reason why the few close friends that I do have mean so very, very much to me.)