alright, well

The English Way (Fightstar)

Alright. In the spirit of vomiting up your soul into a textbox for your own sake, here we are.

Parenthetical: I'm aware that none of this is unique or special or anything. It's the product of sitting in a corner for too long with the lights off, so to speak.

"You", as used below, refers to everyone I've known and loved. Oh melodrama. It's alright, I've taken the liberty of scorning this ahead of time.

There's a very deep self-loathing that I can't get over, despite repeated assurances that I'm 'a great guy'. To you, I may be a great guy. I'll bend over backwards for you, open my wallet and do whatever I can for you with complete disregard for self. This is selfless by definition, yeah, and on the other end people seem to like it. It's because I care so much more for you than for me. Your schedule, your priorities, I play second string and it's because I have and am nothing, apart from what I can do for you and with you. I have no self-worth.

I hate that I have to do this, write this out.

This is probably in part why I have no personal goals. I realized this the other day, I have no ambitions, nothing to follow, no dreams. I could pick an arbitrary set and go for it, sure, but I'm led to believe that these are the sort of things that people are supposed develop instinctively, born of who they are.

And fuck, I don't know. I'm doing my best to remain halfway interested in passing my classes, let alone get a degree.

So. Please be patient with me. (You are, what am I saying, all of you are.) Yes, I'm stuck in a mindset and I know that and I fucking hate myself for it (circular progression, awesome). Maybe someday it'll be better.

I will never give up on you for all the times you sat and sang to me trying to make me better