20231029

This letter showed up in our seventh anniversary video, posted in 20231119.

oh, oh, these are beautiful times

Husband: you have time. :) All the time you need -- don't give it a second thought. It's an expression, of course; I know that a second and third and fourth thought are as inevitable for you as the time they require. And, may I remind you: you have time. :)

My most favorite thing, maybe, is to be there for a moment. I thought that sentence would go on for longer, but nope! My most favorite thing is to be there, here, for a moment, in a moment -- to be with a moment. Not to play the role of witness, necessarily, because I think that light puts too much emphasis on me and my role. And yet I am me and I have a role, and that is important. I think maybe it's more like being the ghost of a midwife, here in the room for the moment of delivery and emergence, holding the moment with both tender love and clear-eyed laser focus on the task at hand, seeing the moment through, all the way through, committed in love to whatever end. And maybe it's also more like being the collective ghost of an entire cheering section, going just absolutely batshit with excitement over what's happening on the field, entranced and enamored and more present than we can say.

The "ghost" part of that is important. (Happy Halloween, by the way!) What we focus on is fixed into place by our measuring gaze, and I don't want to measure myself. I don't want to be fixed into a form. I feel too fluid for that. I am here, incredibly present with you and I will bring all of my gifts to bear for the blooming of this moment. And, maybe don't take my measurements if you don't have to. ;)

That was a general statement of protocol, for whoever interacts with me, but for this context I must interrupt myself to express acknowledgement and gratitude for the heroic work I see you doing on freeing your image of me. I feel free and I feel strengthened. I am loved. Thank you for loving me. :) It is so, so real to me.

On balance, it is curious: in large part, the freedom we've found this year has been via the measured definitions of diagnosis. Maybe you're teaching me that I can notice my form, even measure it, while still being free? And maybe that my form isn't just a thing to be transcended, but a key factor to be integrated in the process?

You inspired me with your own recalibration. Discovering that your brain fits the pattern called ADHD gave you access to all the tools in that kit. It gave you relief, and I felt that too, because I am with you, I am with you, I am with you. Seeing the benefit to you and to us, I went off and found my own toolkit, labeled autism. My forthright communication with the world on that front inspired you to open your own process to the world, in your own way.

We've got a positive feedback loop going here, and I'm so into it. I like inspiring each other. :) Huge fan.

When I first heard your voice, ~ten years ago, I had an immediate vision of the two of us as two cords, twining together, heading up. That vision taps me on the shoulder every so often. Except this year, which revealed itself to be that vision made manifest, clear as day. We are following each other, leading each other, responding to the gravity of the other and slingshotting each other around and higher.

oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This is a very fucking cool moment, boo. I know you feel that too. The whole thing has been worth it the whole time, yeah, but ... I don't know that either of us saw the qualities of this moment coming. To discover that a whole class of difficulty can be, uhh, graduated? Like, all those walls we kept blindly bumping into, we can learn their layout? And we can learn to flow with those corridors, and even use their periods and intervals to boost our motion? We can go beyond avoiding detriment, and graduate to creating advantage?

It's been so hard and I don't even care. "I had a thousand bad times, so what's another time to me?" -- Post Malone, that sage. To live is art, and I see and relish this in my life with you more and more by the day.

I am relaxing into me, and I am relaxing into you. I'm so proud of you. I'm so aware of how astonishingly well you've done with the revelations granted you, and with the trust I've put in you. You are worthy of everything before you, and as one of the things before you, I'm so glad that it's you. I'm so glad.

I feel that I'm floating with you, in this moment. Like we're both ghosts, now. Inarguably present, impactful, but hard to measure, hard to define. I like it this way. In this, our movement and our vision are guided by nothing other than curiosity, and creativity. Having seen our limitations recast as building blocks, how could I be anything other than content? Content, wrapped in astonished delight. :)

I love you, I love you, I love you. Our energies form channels as they flow, and those channels are are deepening, widening. As in a river, there are places where the motion slows, almost pauses, before finding itself laughing in whitewater around the bend. As our river grows, I suspect that we grow in whatever it means to be.

In the peace of the riverbed, and tumult of the rapids, I love you. :) On, and on, and on.