20240716

every wish finally put into motion diving in with our hearts wide open

Theory: My body is stressed by holding okayness out in front of me, like I have to take several specific steps in order to get there.

I'm great at multi-step processes, but I'm only sustainably great at them if I live in the step I'm currently in, i.e. if I'm deeply okay in the step I'm currently in. Which is maybe the same as saying deeply present in the step I'm currently in? Not stretched out into the future, pinning part of myself to an outcome not yet present?

I've had a week of almost there. Like, just a couple more steps and then rest. Kind of a you can do anything one more time kinda thing.

This is an experimental line of thought.

I've always worked hard to be okay in the now, because that just made sense to me. Every big project I undertake, my perspective is always and very explicitly one of enoughness-in-the-now. It's always enough, even if the project suddenly evaporates and leaves no material evidence behind. Always enough, if only for the experience of it.

Maybe I need that? Maybe I physically/neurologically can't afford to do otherwise? I figured I was just doing a thing that made good sense in general, but maybe that's an actual operating parameter for my own health?

I'm frowning as I write this, lol. Really?

And in the next breath, I mean it's funny that it took me this long to see the urgency's cause so clearly. It always felt important. I guess I can see why it was important, now.

I've had this class of realization before, where I realize that a principle I thought was generally useful was actually hyper-specifically necessary for my neurotype. Still generally useful, but really fucking specifically important for me and my ASD Level 1. A lot (most? all?) of Lightward Inc's form and function fits into this category: Generally A Good Idea But Absolutely Essential For Isaac.

I'm going to put aside my own further inquiry into this subject, and just chill/vibe/rest with the notion that holding okayness multiple steps ahead, for several days in a row, really takes it out of me. My mind feels slow, the kind of slow that I can associate with autistic overwhelm. Kind of a turn-all-the-dials-down thing. As a "why", this makes sense. So I'm just gonna take all this one step at a time, where I get okay and fuggin stay there as I take additional steps forward. Why am I picturing Jabba the Hutt's Pleasure Yachtt.