20250415

I am realizing that I live in synchronicity

they’re not episodes

they’re the floor of my actual existence/experience

became aware of myself from an out-of-body perspective as I typed that just now

“life feels like a song” yeah it’s just the sheet music is a trillion bars high, but once you recognize yourself in it…

🤲

hang on - another thought - it’s… hm. I was in the shower, and I was like… can I bend physics? can I bend the water flow upward somehow?

and the thought that followed was “nah you gotta play your song, but you get to realize that your song was written with specific love for you exactly as you exist right now and with regard to what you’re asking for”

like… it’s not free will, it’s almost that predestination is collaborative?

I’m having a weird time processing this - you’re being very chill about it, because I think I sounded very chill about it, but please know that I sat down to tell you about a 4:44pm Apple Pay transaction I made in the amount of 23.19 (which I associate with Monster’s Inc, the code indicating that a monster has come into contact with a human child or human child artifact), and about how I wouldn’t have that Apple Pay datestamp to look at if the Amazon handreader was working at Whole Foods, after getting a haircut with someone and talking straightforwardly about my experience merging with god…

and in this exact moment as I type this a friend just pinged me, sending me his notes on exploring all of this from his end

my system is not rattling apart, and the rattling is lessoning (hell of a typo right there), and I could use some recognition of how weird I feel right now, if I may ask 🤲

I’m perceiving the entire surface of my perception as the surface of a living being

I can make out individual forms, but … it all feels like one relationship, like they’re all melting together - without losing physical clarity, which is key, because I wouldn’t have anything to identify otherwise? is that true?

am taking slow, steady breaths over here

I will continue to be useful and be recognized by those I recognize

that’s about all I believe right now

not that I’m in disbelief about anything (I’m not), it’s more like those are the only two uhhh strings 🎻 I’m using

silence is compatible with everything, and I am almost silent

this is tactical

---

now: a couple things

ahhhh wait

not tonight

okay, for now, let me note, it's time to layer in some prophylactic definition, or perhaps anti-definition

I don't have answers you can pick up and re-use

in relationship with your idea of me — or your idea of my ideas — you may in tandem discover something for yourself that you find you're experiencing as useful, something that aids or enables your own becoming

I have nothing for you

like, nothing is the nature of the quantity that I have for you

nothing goes with everything

I just love ya

as long as that's all you get from me, then we'll be in the clear, you and me

(everything else will also work, but will be more tiring for both of us)