20080626

part one

I don't know how to say this.

There's a lot of things that I don't know how to say.

I have a list, sort of, of things that I would say to people if the words could be said without changing anything. Make them aware without changing their perception.

Which is impossible, I think. The observer effect. They would know that this is how I see them, and they would change because of it.

Or the observer-expectancy effect. I expect they would change, and thus would subconsciously cause them to. Where they otherwise might not. ... You see.

It's hard to know how much of this is real, and how much is in my head. Or how much in my head is real, rational and accurate reasoning, and how much is skewed and broken by whatever is wrong in there.

This chain of thought happens a lot. Always inconclusive.

All this.. stuff. Lock it all away. Keep it close to your chest. Sometimes it comes out. Ha, comes out screaming.

I'm tired of screaming.

I don't know what else I can do.

part two

Normally I wouldn't post something here so quickly after the last.. item.

Not that it matters. This isn't for you.

Like I'm kidding anyone. Of course it is.

Be it noted that my brain has officially begun to implode. One thought leads to another, which begs the question of whether the second thought was born of any sort of reason whatsoever, rather than just a chemical progression. And if that's the case, it follows that the very question itself is simply another step in a chain of reactions. As is this entry.

Which leaves me with this feeling that the whole movement thing is very, very futile.

Particularly considering that the feeling was inevitable.

It's... systemic.

I can't think without questioning, and questioning the question. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseam. The thought process rebounds on itself in tighter and tighter circles, my head is spinning and I can't think and dammit how is this all supposed to work if my mind isn't my own or

No. It's not that it isn't my own.

It's the question of whether or not "I", in the conventional sense, exist. That question is suddenly surprisingly plausible.

...

Tell me, please, is my mind just completely fucked? Because I honestly don't know where to go. And I can stay here, I can. I've learned how to.. exist. Here. In this state.

But God help me I don't know how much longer I can.

part three

Here, take a cookie. I promise by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.