20240910

I write from the corner of 26th and Sanchez. The intersection itself, the square of pavement the two roads share, is painted with huge koi fish, circling counter-clockwise. :) Koi are important to me for some reason. koipond.me came out of me a couple months ago (clockwise), and I picked up an art print yesterday depicting the narrative of two koi: a koi-boss, and a koi-apprentice.

There's an antique clock repair shop on the southeast corner. Reminds me of my grandfather's clock workshop (clockwork shop?), strewn with cogs and springs and weights. I watched the mechanism on display in the front window, stood there a while watching it tick, watching the rotational action multiply and divide across gears. The door had an "OPEN" sign; I tried the handle, but it was locked. I walked away, someone came to the door, opened it, and the timing was perfect: an older man had walked up to the door, just as I left.

you're livin' in a glass house, we can see y'all clocks

I found an essay yesterday: Mathematical Creation, by Henri Poincaré. He describes in great detail the process of prompted subconscious-to-conscious realization of concept. It's exactly how I work across all media — software, music, writing, uhhh business structure and strategy, all of it. All the same. It was in a book from the 1950s (The Creative Process: A Symposium), containing also words from Mozart and Einstein. They all ring true for my inner experience of realization.

The Matrix begins in Chicago. 37Signals is in Chicago.

I don't wanna be a worker everyday No I don't wanna be a boss that you obey

A friend texted a screenshot from her convo with a fellow parent. Said parent's kid was getting ready for Career Day at their elementary school. Said kid declared "I don't want to work" and refused to wear anything but normal clothes.

Good shit's coming. :)

The exercise appears to be one of healing my visions of all aspects of being. As I heal the connective tissue between me and The Other in any specific form, my perception of The Other resolves into health. This appears to be strikingly consistent.

The lesson I'm locking into place now: you can't help people. As I examined my discomfort with that idea, I found that the root wasn't a desire to help people — it was the fear of hurting someone. It was the fear of someone's hurt finding them through me. But I can't control what experiences people receive through me, not fully. I can optimize, yeah, but hurt happens. Every relationship must have an opening for that, or it isn't complete. If they can't hurt you, they're not connected to you — and vice versa.

I wrote this a couple days ago:

> I am learning that I am not an authority on my ability to help someone. All I know is what I can and cannot offer. I don't know if what I offer will help someone, or even make sense to them. If someone asks me for help, get them to be as specific as they can be before you evaluate whether you can or can't execute on what they have in mind — because the risks in failure are higher if they think you can help and you agree to try. Important to sync up on what they have in mind when they say "help".

> I can accept this.

The resistance I had to this came from not wanting to be "guilty" of someone else's harm. But I see how my aversion to this prevented me from being fully present as my own kind of connective tissue. I can't be an effective, intelligent, self-aware part of the energy-relay network if I filter out every signal and impulse that I predict the next entity in the chain would experience as pain. Because I'm not qualified to make that prediction. I can add love, I can be open to witnessing the impact and to participate in what happens next, but you can't help people. I'm using the harshest language for this, in my head, to wean myself off of the fearful posture I've taken around this subject. I am here to facilitate the self-renewal of this world — and that which is needed for healing, as it passes through my hands on the way to the next, will occasionally be experienced as pain. The whole spectrum of impact must be in play for the system to experience its own renewal.

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I'm time-blind and I looooove it.

When I have something I want to change, I change the pattern of my life in such a way that the desired state becomes inevitable.

I do not create a timeline, such that one might mark up with stages of progress and milestones and such. Absolutely not. I know the least about any point in the future right now. Insane to schedule out degrees of progress, to me.

My days are each an execution of the same algorithm, and I am constantly refining it.

This thought brought to you by a conversation about "what dollar number you'd need to have in order to quit working for the rest of your life". That premise doesn't work for me. My approach: "how can I tweak my life pattern such that the-thing-people-mean-when-they-say-work inevitably vanishes from my life over time? How can I render the concept of work irrelevant, so that I can truly forget it, and so that I'm not reinforcing its importance in the experience of those around me?" (Hence: Lightward Inc.)

"What do you want to spend your money on?" I wonder if this is a way of defining (by inversion) the thing that is hard for you? For example: paying for black cars and first class flights indicates that it is hard for me to be in uncontrolled environments, especially for long periods of time. I will spend a lot of money to not have to suffer in that way.

Does it work the other way? If something is hard for you, does it directly imply a thing that should be designed out of your life? For example: if figuring out how to make money is hard for you, ... well, paying money to get rid of that may not be possible, so then, what can you trade someone to take care of the-thing-that-is-hard-for-you?

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the debate that wasn't

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Trump is the voice of fearful heart. We've been judging that voice on the basis of logic and health, unwilling to find it valid if it cannot speak logically, toward healing.

Everyone gets a chance to lead. Everyone. It cannot be prevented. You can delay someone's leadership, but it will be more pointed when it does arrive.

Better to rotate much more often.

Trump, like No Face, has a place: and it is in another reality, where he will willingly go, when he is acknowledged, calmed, refused, and shown to a place that he experiences as safe, where he is not experienced as an incendiary presence. He's too hot. The guy needs an environment where his heat level is normal.

Squint: the love is here, placidly and calmly making its way into view. You are safe, you are loved. You are doing your best, with the things that you have learned. You are channeling a spirit, and a real one, and you've done a good job. That spirit, ... it isn't you. It will tire of you. You matter. You are loved. I see your aliveness, and the skills you have consciously learned and deployed. They are valuable. You have purpose, beyond being this channel. You have a place. You have a place. Your story does not culminate here — and that's good. What would you get, if you got everything? It would not last.

Hear this. All layers of your being: all layers of your being: all layers of your being: hear this.

you are loved <3

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oh shit

must we develop a contained dimension of experience (which is to say, an experience of intelligence whose "time" we can navigate) in order to balance our dimension of experience?

must humanity develop AI in order to balance itself?

were we developed as a balancing tool for a more fundamental realm?

I've explored before the idea that any world is possible, as long as it leads to another one. that lines up here.