20240221

It's less important that I clear my schedule, than for me to keep my focus on the now, and the micro-adjustments to be made in the now. The future adjusts itself, I find.

We've been traveling for just over a full week, now, and I feel myself starting to pull up my drawbridge. The castle moat (to continue the metaphor) is there to give me space and time to move and react; it lets me see things coming, creating enough of a delay for me to methodically evaluate how I feel about them and how I want to respond. It's a kind of alexithymia.

I've patterned my life such that my current companions affirm my freedom to choose, whether that means choosing withdrawal or engagement or anything at all. This is useful! Not just because it means less resistance in the system, but because sometimes I forget, lol. Raising the drawbridge is something I know works, but it's not my only option, and my collaborators remind me that I have options. Super useful. I would like to try leaving the drawbridge down, contenting myself to remain in the castle, intentionally letting the castle walls limit my view, trusting that I may do so safely.

All of which is to say that I have hit my saturation limit on input. We're in Queenstown, surrounded by scenery that I know is stunning, and I feel almost nothing when I see it, lol. This isn't a complaint! I'm delighted to know this as a signal that me and my autistic brain need some sensory rest. I don't feel bad, which is wonderful. (There were plenty of years where I would have!)

So! I'm staying home today. Doing very little engaging of any kind. I'll drift through code, dealing in concept with only the barest tracing of form, which I know is a soothing and restorative mode for me.