20080609

Monday morning dew. Also Dew.

Tired and sore. I've resolved to be getting up at 5:30am daily, to give time for a morning workout and all before work at 7:30. I'm not even sure what the actual hours are for the staff here (probably knew at one point; this is my third summer here), but it's looking like 47.5 hrs/wk minimum from the start.

They're looping a George Winston cd in the hallway, I think. They made such a big deal last year out of copyright laws for commercial music, but apparently they're past that now.

The general idea with the exercise is to lessen the depression a little. Not sure how much an effect it'll have, but I could use the training anyway.

Drove to work without music again. I travel and work in silence, and fall asleep to Linkin Park.

Laame.

It's common for intps to detach and view their own emotions and thought processes from a distance, evaluating themselves like a third party.

And yeah, I have a minor fixation on personality types. Something to do with how a label gives you guidelines to operate within.

---

part one

The lethargy stage is setting in.

It's not slobbish lethargy, like you're lazy or anything. You just don't want to... move. Partly because there's nothing sufficiently desirable to move towards, partly because.. idk. I guess that's it. There's nothing that seems worth the movement it would take to achieve it.

Made it through Monday #1. Possibly only because I left early, but what have you.

It just occurred to me that this town will not serve as a home base for my peers much longer. And that, while I'm going to Chicago, my best friend is going in the opposite direction. Almost as far. Yeah, distance is relative and means virtually nothing in this grand exalted age. But this bothers me somewhat more than I expected.

Best friend. There's a title. I think your romantically-significant-other is supposed to take that spot when they show up. I don't think mine did, when she was there. Or maybe, I'm not sure. I'm still not sure about that particular debacle.

I tend to keep the people I care about most at a carefully judged distance. Far enough that I won't get blood on them, for example. Though part of it is definitely being scared to death that they'll stop caring if they get close enough to see who/what this person actually is.

Which is foolish, of course. A lot of unnecessary pain. Probably on both ends; I can't always tell how badly (or if at all) the other party is affected... but this is simply what I do. Every time. Back away slowly, watching for their expressions, when I only want them to hold me close, tell me that (honestly) it's not as bad as you think - and I will never let go.

That has yet to happen. Like actually, physically, happen, significant other or whoever, and yes, there is a difference. I sort of doubt it ever really will. Not if I have anything to do with it.

I'm getting quasi-emotional in a public library. Really, I have awful timing.

part two

Acknowledging that depression is a disorder invalidates all of the emotions it causes.

That sucks.

Granted, the brain is a machine. And if it's built differently, it will operate differently.

... The rest of that paragraph was going to be an argument invalidating emotion on a larger scale, and thereby making some desperate attempt to validate the depressive stuff on the grounds that it's equally as unfounded as anything else. While throwing in some physiological crap about the hippocampus - neurons = depression and the NGF beta polypeptide that might sound sufficiently impressive to convince you that, possibly, I had some sort of point after all.

Fuck, I can't even choose sides when talking to nobody about this.

The hell.

part three

I'm going to read this in five years. And I won't be able to believe that I was throwing these words around and giving any weight to them. Then, I'll ask myself why, if emotion is such a temporal thing, couldn't I have simply kicked the problem and gone on with life to begin with.

To which I will have no reply, but will only hope that I didn't alienate too many people in the process. >_>

(Which will lead to more stuff about how, if they were alienated by who I was, were they mine to begin with? Which is, yeah, assuming that I manage to find out what sort of person I was supposed to be without this colloquial cloud over my head.)

part four

You'll excuse me if I go off and scream for a while, won't you?

Splendid, because it looks like that's what's happening. I'll be done soon.

This is turning into self-loathing. How very... formulaic.

2024 self says oh buddy, I love you, I love you, I love you