20080607

There used to be an archive somewhere of all my im conversations from 2005 on. Might be backed up on an old drive, not sure. Haven't looked too hard.

It sort of threw me for a loop when I formatted the local hd and realized that I had wiped out the logs completely. There was a lot of material that I considered important to me - conversations with people that mattered. Or still matter, I guess.

Part of it stems from a tendency to second-guess myself and the standing I have with other people. This doesn't bother me with casual acquaintances, but there are two or three people whose friendships/relationships are constantly nagging at the back of my head.

Mmph. A sort of paranoia, ultimately, a little restless fear that says I don't matter to them as much as they matter to me.

Hence the message logs. And the phone/sms logs. And the filing cabinet of written correspondence. And face-to-face conversations that I run through my head over and over and over again. Once they say something that validates the connection, that says we're both on the same page, I grab those words and hold onto them. Go back and look at them when I'm not sure they're true anymore.

Which is probably an exercise in futility. People change. Words don't always hold true.

But some of them do, and I'm currently missing a lot of those. >_> It's probably better that I don't keep them on hand. Or that they are no longer on hand, by my intent or otherwise. Compulsive record-keeping isn't the best way to keep relationships healthy.

it watches everything

Ah, for the record. For whoever's reading this. Feel free to continue, but the action of braindumping here is more for my benefit than yours. This is not a blog with the intent of garnering an audience. ... I have one of those (ha), but this is not it. The premise of this journal ('white facade' being its third incarnation) is simply to get my unfiltered thoughts in order, and then put them in a place where I know they will be found. All I need is to know that someone else is aware of what goes on in my head. Doesn't particularly matter who.

That said, the comment link is there for a reason. Textpattern requires an email address and name by default, but if you have something to say, please just put in fake identifiers if you want to keep your anonymity. You may or may not also want to run your words through a translator into Swedish and back, to prevent me from recognizing your language patterns. :)

Thank you.