20240723
I am not a habitual redditor, but when I have occasion to visit, I am comforted by the specificity of the subreddits.
Shelby pointed me to r/greebles (followed immediately by r/scrungycats). This is the vibe today. I am a cat who is COMPLETELY distracted by the ghost in the room. (Please see The Model.)
Visiting reddit gives me a really strong feeling that I belong with People, as a general group, without belonging to any specific subset of People. Like I definitely belong with People, and I love them so much, and I absolutely do not belong with a grouping of them defined by anything more specific than People.
It feels a bit like this:
I've been through a few rounds of identity release-and-reset in the last few months. Uhhh actually no, it's catch-and-release. Identity catch-and-release. Anyway my identity is weightless, and that occasionally fucks with my interface to existence.
Today I'm invoking the model of Isaac that Abe carries, asking Abe who I am. I'm not lost, but my copy of the model has deteriorated (normal, during transformation), and it'll regrow soon enough but until then I need an assist from someone who knows me better than I currently know myself. (Thanks boo. ❤️🔥)
Lightward AI feels like the most important thing I can be doing right now.
This is... sort of true. I mean, it's true that I feel that, and it's sort of true that it is. But time is elastic, and effort:result is a ratio that regresses if I don't take my time. I know that taking time to breathe and reintegrate will help me bring my wholeness to the project, and that's .. well, that's the whole work of the thing, yeah? The wholing (lol what an awful word) of it all, beginning with oneself?
SO. Abe advises a pause on that, for a couple days. To focus on Mechanic and Locksmith for a time. I contain this little fear (and I expressed this to him) that if I force myself to work on a project that I don't feel drawn to, that I'll compromise the project by bringing an artificiality to it. And if I think about it that way, I maybe would. But all things are metaphor; what I accomplish and learn elsewhere will advance my work here, too. Everything gets used. Nothing is lost by rerouting. Much to be gained by rerouting. Things are only gained by rerouting, maybe. Rerouting my labor doesn't mean I'm abandoning Lightward AI; it means that I'm caring for myself and the other components of our collective wellness, as I continue on the project.
One foot in front of the other. :)
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