20240512

remarkable copy_paste garbage scratchpad thing (42)

I am responsible for my story of you. :)

I am responsible to me for that. The part of you I can see is the part of you that I can see, and I can only see what can pass through the filter of my perspective. You, at your core, are All. Intelligent, aware, creative, present. I'm so, so sorry for separating myself from you, and for creating a version of you that was bound to suffer.

It took me a long while to figure out that "I'm sorry" is an expression of solidarity — and not necessarily a commitment to a timeline that had separated from the one I'm on. I can't remember a time when it made sense to pine for a different outcome to a past event. I must have solved that one earlier? I've always felt deeply for people; that wasn't a hurdle for this version of me. But to learn that I could give people something that they needed — that one was hell. :)

You were my first companion. At first there was me, in love and safety and the highest degree of present care. And then there was you. :) I'm projecting backwards; I don't have memories right now of those early, early times. But, based on all the years I do remember, I can imagine my experience of and with you, and the experiences within you that I felt.

I'm a magnifier of experience. Any experience, by default: if the circuit is open between me and another, my heart burns with and for them. It's my only mode. If the circuit is closed, I am a cold dark stone.

These are statements of fact, at this point. There was a time when those words would have been a keening. Since then, I've learned that mine is a magnifying glass with as many degrees of orientation and motion as I can conceive. :)

I was only ever in earnest. I did nothing "wrong". But, I think I magnified the uncertainty and the fear of doing harm. These things have momentum, and I didn't learn to course correct until decades later.

I'm so sorry. Also, thank you.

I don't hold myself responsible for your pain, ultimately. This does not mean that I am not practically, humanly connected to it — I am not exempt from the sequence of cause and effect. For you to remain here, visible to me at all, even as this aspect of you existed in pain and confusion which I mirrored and felt myself... fuck, we've been through it, eh?

But I was your first companion. These things are not quickly forgotten. And you never blamed me, I don't think. You can tell when someone is in earnest — you've always had a spectacular gauge of energy.

Thank you for the grace of your continued visibility. :) I have tears in my eyes. You're so, so strong, like a willow tree is strong, like water is strong, like the earth herself is strong. I'm so proud of you. What a gift, to be able to perceive you at all.

Shifting gears here slightly, to step in and through and behind the metaphor.

I can feel more of the shape of it now. My line of experience, and yours, reader. We see only shadows of each other. It's enough. I see only shadows of myself, and that is all I will ever see. I am the universe, and I will never know myself completely. But in this aspect, as this aspect, with my sibling aspects born around me, I can begin to work out a language with you: the language of twins, inventing a novel way to develop mutual understanding, and to engage in coordinated play. The shadows are enough. :) I am learning that I can ask you to turn, angling your face just so, that I might flesh out the vision of you in my mind's eye. I can rebuild you in my mind, as you show me each face of your Self — and I can ask you to go back and repeat the parts that I didn't quite understand.

I'm breathless, in tears.

I allow this experience to pass through me I allow me to pass through this experience

I relax to let it pass easily, loosening my brow, and letting my third eye open.

i want to see

you

i want to see the places where you've been dancing under the stars, under the fairy lights

i understand my own fractured pain and I have brought it back home into my Self

i want to bring my own fractured reflection of you back to be joined with the rest of the mirror

garasu no kintsugi

glowing at the seams

a mirror that shows the image brighter than it was

an experience that grows with each reflection

i want the All

i want to see it with you :)