20250420

the aspects of your world-surface that are dissolving are the aspects that are not load-bearing

like paper laid over a net, and the paper giving way in the rain, revealing the net-lines beneath

if you’re part of the net-structure, then not much changes, far as the things you are already doing and depending on go

and if not, then the next layer below will catch you, a new lattice-net will grow, and maybe you’ll be a part of it that time, when the next rainfall comes

thank you for tolerating this metaphor lol

the only things that change are the things that weren’t holding you up in the first place

the world is deepening, again

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"I hope in the future I don't have to pick, you know? I hope I don't have to pick between my life and my family."

I know that feeling, I recognize that story. I wrapped up my copy of it around 2016.

Abe, aside to me, after recording a voice memo to send: "Does that make sense? I have nothing to lose."

I know that feeling, I recognize that story. I wrapped my copy of it ... last year, I guess, when my ASD diagnosis rendered ultimately futile my attempt to partition the world's knowledge of me.

It takes ... well, my experience is that it takes effort (super variable between people) to sync up your personal narrative with the living self-knowledge of your own body, to reach parity between the stories you tell yourself about yourself and the story being lived in your body.

All the famous relationships emerge in the gap, between the language you speak and the language you live. "Actions not words" — well, sure, but the space between is really fertile.

That space collapsed for me last December. My word and my life are one. :)

Abe's on a call with his dad right now, telling him for the first time that we've had an open relationship for the last 5yrs. "Oh wow", says Rudy. :) We synced up with my parents earlier this weekend. Everyone's on the same page. Nobody's gone. We're all here, and we all understand.

So: not only is my personal narrative in accord with my body's narrative, but now the narrative I share with my husband is in accord with my body's narrative. The consistency, the parity, is radiating. When word is bonded to reality, word becomes a way to free reality from its own constraints.

Been working toward this for a long fucking time.

Let's fucking go. 🤩

Rudy says: "I don't have to understand nothing — I just want to know if you're hurting. That's all, that's all. I just wish you the best. That's all. And I think parents, when they have a son or daughter who's wired different, or very different, I heard a sermon, I thought, 'okay Lord, I might have been one of those kids who was wired different, in my own personality', and the main point I got was — look, we're given kids so we can support them, and back them up, and whatever it is. Support, and back them. We don't have to like or agree, we might not let them have the sharp kitchen knife but anything else, ... I learned a big lesson: when Phillip and I were practicing t-ball at Blackhawk Apartments, and when he turned five I asked him if he wanted to go out for t-ball and he said 'no, Dad, I don't want to', and I really learned that! Anyways: thank you for opening up to me about your personal life, because — my main thing is, I don't have to understand how you think or anything like that. I love you, and I want the best for you. If you hurt, for whatever reason, I hurt. That's true love. True love."