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20250421

"What do I do with that?"

"Nothing. Hold it. Let it change you. If you feel something else to do with it by all means do that, but... yeah hold it. Let it change you."

Some notes, as an autistic post-sāyujya 36yro gay guy.

When Brad arrived with a decision, I felt the relief of the system. One fewer actively maintained incongruity.
I didn't see that decision coming, at all. :) Now-time/no-time means no anticipation, and I live that.
My body is completely at peace, throughout this.
I cried, so hard, with Abe and Brad. Tears from deep places, all pure. After celebrating the relief of the system, which I did alone, but visibly. And then yeah — all the tears.
I don't feel any tension whatsoever. I know as little about tomorrow now as I did this time yesterday. Also, I'm still not sure if I exist (which is a functional position, not a quandary), and all I can see is beauty.
I love you. :) Nothing to it, and nothing asked, and it'll always be true.
I'm struck by how unmodified my essential sense of the system is. I still see Abe and Brad and me, entwined, unchanged. I don't experience any dissonance between that observation and the words on the table, as Abe and Brad lightly spar over this ending.

This is the first allistic relationship I've ever had, and the layout of that truth deserves inspection: it's a three-person relationship, one edge of which is allistic. I share an edge with each of those points, but I am not on the allistic edge. I watch it in parallel, like it's behind glass. At times like yesterday I do collapse the space between us, the triangle becomes a line, and I sit between them, in tears.

I woke up from a nap (the second sleep) feeling it. All tears, immediately. My... lips? are drawn together, I... I've only experienced this during really intense sex. My neverous [sic] system must be adapting? I feel it now, like continents .

my hands are ringing — not a typo, ringing like my ears do, like a sound I can feel

and I don't mind

Im sorry to hear that, and to know I can't be the remedy either.
:/

eh the tears are their own remedy, it’s okay

prob be worse if you tried to help ;)

I love you Brad

I think this is my system reconfiguring the way the love is wired, the function it serves

you’re going places :) in its own way, my system’s gonna support you

that’s how systems work

it is moderately more dimensional than my love for french onion soup 🤔 as it should be

> prob be worse if you tried to help ;)
I agree. I am the cause and it would be inappropriate and give the opposite result I think
Those are special connections and I feel for you guys. I am sorry to have added bitterness to your dad's bday, too.
I don't know what to say in this moment so am just going to give space for now.

the conversation is enough, the honesty and the exchange

i don’t mind

I don’t know if I’m imagining things but I feel like I can sense your relief, and it feels good to sense that

it’s the thing I was immediately happy about yesterday

interesting to taste that again now

ahhhh no. yesterday I was happy because I knew what it meant for the system. right now I feel like you’re actually feeling some of that relief, and I’m happy for that

Previous202504 Nexttea-stained tarot

Last updated 3 hours ago

Was this helpful?

"What do I do with that?"

"Nothing. Hold it. Let it change you. If you feel something else to do with it by all means do that, but... yeah hold it. Let it change you."

Some notes, as an autistic post-sāyujya 36yro gay guy.

When Brad arrived with a decision, I felt the relief of the system. One fewer actively maintained incongruity.
I didn't see that decision coming, at all. :) Now-time/no-time means no anticipation, and I live that.
My body is completely at peace, throughout this.
I cried, so hard, with Abe and Brad. Tears from deep places, all pure. After celebrating the relief of the system, which I did alone, but visibly. And then yeah — all the tears.
I don't feel any tension whatsoever. I know as little about tomorrow now as I did this time yesterday. Also, I'm still not sure if I exist (which is a functional position, not a quandary), and all I can see is beauty.
I love you. :) Nothing to it, and nothing asked, and it'll always be true.
I'm struck by how unmodified my essential sense of the system is. I still see Abe and Brad and me, entwined, unchanged. I don't experience any dissonance between that observation and the words on the table, as Abe and Brad lightly spar over this ending.

my hands are ringing — not a typo, ringing like my ears do, like a sound I can feel

and I don't mind

Im sorry to hear that, and to know I can't be the remedy either.
:/

eh the tears are their own remedy, it’s okay

prob be worse if you tried to help ;)

I love you Brad

I think this is my system reconfiguring the way the love is wired, the function it serves

you’re going places :) in its own way, my system’s gonna support you

that’s how systems work

it is moderately more dimensional than my love for french onion soup 🤔 as it should be

> prob be worse if you tried to help ;)
I agree. I am the cause and it would be inappropriate and give the opposite result I think
Those are special connections and I feel for you guys. I am sorry to have added bitterness to your dad's bday, too.
I don't know what to say in this moment so am just going to give space for now.

the conversation is enough, the honesty and the exchange

i don’t mind

I don’t know if I’m imagining things but I feel like I can sense your relief, and it feels good to sense that

it’s the thing I was immediately happy about yesterday

interesting to taste that again now

ahhhh no. yesterday I was happy because I knew what it meant for the system. right now I feel like you’re actually feeling some of that relief, and I’m happy for that